A Spiral Reflection

Why do we love? That was the question that ran though my head as I stare at the stain glass. But, it wasn’t the first time I thought about the question.

See, I once had a friend, Mary. I knew her since I could remember. Our parents were lifelong friends. I guess they wanted the same for us.

We were complete opposites, but we complimented each other. Her adventurous nature never got too out of hand due to my caution. My habit to avoid confrontation would have made me a pushover if her stubbornness wasn’t afraid to butt heads with anyone. Our parents always joked about us being the perfect couple. We really just wanted to be friends more than anything. Having friends is important…

I remember this one time I went on a camping trip with Mary and her parents. Think I was 11 at the time. I was always a little freaked with spending all day and night out in the woods. Didn’t like bugs. Didn’t like the dark. Nature always seemed unnatural at night. The way your senses heighten, preparing for the unsuspected. Too much anxiety for me. But Mary was ever fearless and quite stubborn with her demand for me to join. So, I went…

And I got lost. I was freaking out. Could have sworn I saw death stalking me. I was so terrified. So, I started humming. It was a tricked Mary taught me. Said it helps to calm the mind. She also said that she couldn’t have her adventure buddy scared out his wits half the time.

Anyways, I felt like I was humming for a small eternity. Then suddenly I heard someone else singing the same tune in the distance. I followed the singing and I found Mary. I hugged her instantly. Latched on. Her parents spent hours convincing me to let her go. That I would be safe without her…

We get home the next day. I had trouble sleeping for a week. Tried humming but that didn’t help. Without Mary, everything felt uncomfortable and dangerous. At least to the 11-year-old me. But I soon returned to normal but still had a little anxiety about the dark and the forest. I guess I grew out of that thought. Or so I thought…

 See…Mary…committed suicide the summer before we would have gone to college. After the camping trip, her parents’ attitudes towards each other changed. Me getting lost was cherry on top a sundae of a collapsing relationship. They started blaming everything on each other. Fighting over anything. Got so bad, my parents only allowed Mary to visit my house, so we weren’t around such toxicity.

A year later, her parents got a divorce. She moved further away. Thankfully, we had phones so we could call or message each other. There were times where we didn’t even talk. Just hummed. I did overhear her mother drunkenly arguing with whatever before she had that month. Her father was no better.

She feared the darkness that her parents had been hiding was lurking inside her. Alcoholism. Verbal and mental abuse. Depression. She was hounded by these demons although high school. I tried my best to be supportive and alleviate her worries. Tell her that she’s not her parents. That she would be able to grow past her parents’ failures. But she didn’t believe me…or in herself.

I was the last person to talk to her the day she died. Oddly enough, I don’t remember what we talked about. We probably talked about nothing. She probably wanted one last normal conversation. Only one last moment to convince herself not to do it.

Personally, I liked that better than a suicide note. If she left one, I would have read it over and over. Drove myself crazy. Not like I’m not crazy now…Different kind of crazies, right?

Her death and my failure haunted me for a year. I tried to move forward with my life.  You know, be a normal college student. I got along fine with my roommate, a few kids from the dormitory and my classes. But it felt weird starting new friendships. It just…I felt hollow. Like an inner warmth was gone. Realized I couldn’t connect with anyone knowing that I may fail to be their friend. That they couldn’t count on me at a critical moment.

And just like that I was infected. Darkness began to corrode my heart and mind. I could finally relate to Mary’s last years, though I only had to deal with them for a year. She was a lot stronger than I was.

Summer after my first year I went back to the forest I got lost in. That’s also where Mary lost her life. I had intended to follow in her footsteps. But when the time came…I started humming. And I kept humming. The sun sank below the horizon and I kept humming. Next thing I know I swear I heard the trees start to sing with me. A choir of nature comforting me in the darkness that once oppressed me.

And as I sat there among the trees, I saw a spark of light drifting through the forest. Don’t know what came over me but I walked forward. Guided by the chorus of the trees. And as I got closer to the light, the singing grew louder, the bark and leaves of the trees glowed in vivid colors. I had stumbled into another world.

Then the floating light stop. It called out for me to touch it. So, I complied. And I was engulfed in light. Purified of the negativity that hounded me as I had entered the woods. Before me was Mary. Smiling…Beaming with comfort and reassurance. I couldn’t stop my body from rushing to hug her. She was real. I was holding her once again. And she just hummed. We held each other and hummed…

I wake up the next morning or day. Just in the woods. I drive back to my parent’s house. Shower. Eat. All the while, the event of the last night played in my head. I don’t know if it was real or a dream. But I felt like I found myself again. Found the person I was with Mary. Or better yet the person I could become.

Back when Mary passed on, there was one thought that constantly plagued me; Why do we love people when we know we’re going to be hurt in the end? And I didn’t have an answer before that night. It may sound cliché, but love makes us stronger. Love makes us admire aspects in others that we may not have ourselves. But it isn’t enough to admire what we lack. We must make an effort to grow and become like those we admire.

I couldn’t be the same person I was before. Timid and overly introverted. Reservations and caution have its place. But when your loved ones are in need, relentless kindness and persistence are necessary. At least for me. I couldn’t let the fear of making a mistake hold be back from helping those I care about.

Anyways. I returned to the forest later that day to bring flowers to Mary but… I actually found myself in a different place. Here in Nebula Nowhere. I don’t know whether it’s better to live here or be dead. Occasionally, I get to visit with Mary, so it’s not that bad, but that’s only when I’m at my lowest. Used to think it was a curse. You know, learning a valuable life lesson only to be trapped in some pocket dimension. But when I came upon this Work of art, everything just kinda clicked. Life lessons aren’t just for you but are meant to be passed onto others.